Thursday, January 24, 2013

ALCOHOLICS, MOOCHERS, DRUG ADDICTS, SUCKERS, EASY MARKS, AND PATSIES

We are not alcoholics, moochers, or drug addicts, but we ARE suckers, easy marks, and patsies.

Stud and I will never, ever, learn.

In our prior town, the occasional times we saw two particular ex-members of the family, they would be vivacious, friendly, (OVERLY so) and always ended up requesting a "loan".

We would smile and wave good-bye as they disappeared along with our money:  never to be seen again - until next time.

When we realized we were never going to learn, we decided to remove ourselves from the temptation to be suckers.  832 miles, to be exact.

So when a neighbor's 43 year old daughter started visiting us and offering her friendship, we thought she was so sweet.

Yes.  We knew she had been a heavy drug user, but that was in the past.

Yes.  We thought it odd that she needed to borrow $20 on a SUNDAY for a credit check.

Yes.  We thought it odd that she needed to borrow another $20 on the same day.

Yes.  She had hit us up for money before, but her dad was always quick to repay us since she lives off him at his house..

She had lots of reasons for her emergency need.  We listened to them all and, as we've always done, we shook our heads:  commiserated with her, and handed over the $40.

We knew her dad would repay us.

The following day, her phone call broke our hearts.  She had told dad she had borrowed money from us and he had gotten angry.   There was NO WAY we were going to mention it to dad.  She said we'd have to wait til he cooled down.  Gee.  We made HER dad mad at US?

We waited.

Like I said, we're easy marks.

Today, Stud went to the neighbor's and said we were disappointed to be placed in the embarrassing position of asking for our money back.

He was surprised.  *GASP*

It was the first he'd heard of it, BUT, he was proud to declare that she was doing "a lot better now with counseling."

Four days in counseling and she has improved.  It's a miracle.

And a little reminder of how easily we can still be manipulated and scammed.

I now know four things:  

When someone is lying, instead of giving you a specific reason they need money - they give you an entire book of reasons, including maps, charts, and diagrams.

Children (and grown adults) don't have to "learn their lesson"  or take responsibility for their actions, as long as their parents make excuses for their actions.

The main thing her dad was surprised over was NOT the fact she LIED, but the fact she was delinquent in paying us back.
  
And we can't point the finger at others and call them stupid.





51 comments:

  1. You must now realize that any "loan" to that gal is a gift!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. In the past, we had more money to throw at the "kids", but we (I) did start resenting the whole "glad-hand" meetings we'd occasionally get from them.

      So, we left with what we had and I now see how all moochers have the same M.O.

      Delete
  2. There are many lessons here. But you MUST UNDERSTAND that dad is no more able to say "No" to her than you were to your own kids. He has yet to figure out that he needs to put 832 miles between him and her. Some people will never be able to do this... because inside that lying, drug-abusing adult, they see the little kid who walked for the first time, that they taught to ride a bike, that said "I love you Mommy/Daddy" and actually meant it.

    However, you didn't raise her. You didn't know her when she was three and adorable. You still have the power to say, "No." But are right about not judging her father. You have been there and done that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I laid out the entire scenario to Stud, and when he said the neighbor was just being a good daddy, I ended by saying "That's exactly what we did, and it's NOT being a good parent."

      Delete
    2. Well, you are right, of course. Getting someone to see that is another thing entirely.

      Delete
    3. WE didn't see it in us until we saw it in someone else. But if we went back home now, I can guarantee you that we would jump back in the same old saddle.

      Delete
  3. I think I might try to advantage of your kindness, too, but not for money; only for some seasoned, steamed broccoli, covered with Velveeta.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know me so well. I can be hit up for food OR/AND money. But STEAMED broccoli? SHAME ON YOU! A stick of butter and a little water for boiling is NOT steaming. It's GOOD.

      Delete
    2. REAL butter too. Never, ever, margarine. Especially if you want CRISPY toasted cheese sandwiches.

      Here. Have a seat and a beer while I get started in the kitchen.

      Can I get you an ashtray?

      Delete
  4. My brother was the one that taught me not to be a sucker. We gave him bail money and then a car. It wasn't long til he wrecked the car and was back in jail. The next time he came to us, we told him no. It was quite painful, but we had 4 kids to raise, and no extra money to "help" him. My parents finally quit "helping" him too, and quit bailing him out of jail. THAT'S when he straightened up... a little. He's about the same age as your neighbor.
    Wouldn't it be nice if we could ALWAYS choose who to help with our money?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know of no one else who went as far as we did to MOVE AWAY. But if we hadn't, we'd be dead AND broke by now.

      Delete
  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oops. I was trying to get you a direct link to my blog, but then I published the comment without doing it. Try this one now. If you click on it, it should take you directly there. :)

      Delete
    2. IT WORKED!!! and I love your blog!

      Delete
  6. I am a drug addict and a moocher. Please let me be your neighbor.

    Love,
    Janie Junebug Rogers

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And you can have anything your little heart desires, except Stud and Beau. Okay....maybe Stud, but you DO have to pay me back.

      Delete
    2. Do you want Elvis Aaron Schwarz? He's very sweet and he gets out of bed every morning and goes to work, unlike me, the alcoholic drug addict moocher.

      Delete
    3. Thank you, but I've got my own Elvis Aaron Schwarz. He's very sweet and he gets out of bed every morning and pees. Thank god he still gets out of bed first.

      Delete
  7. I have this goal. Start with small amounts of money from you and as my obvious charm brings a smile of joyous delight to your beaming face, the next part of the goal is to obtain more money from you.

    Seriously, I know how difficult it can be and we can have a tendency to pretend to ourselves that someone is genuine.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. To me, EVERYONE is genuine and honest because I'M being genuine and honest. One person can repeatedly lie to me, but I will still believe them the next time. There's got to be a cure for this.

      Delete
    2. Thank God I don't have any money. Wait! What am I saying?

      Delete
    3. lotta joy,
      I have a knack of knowing the liars. My ex could not figure out how I knew someone was insincere or dishonest. I was rarely wrong. Thankfully, I have so little money that no one ever asks for money loans.

      Delete
  8. Fool me once ... shame on me. Fool me twice ... you should know I have a glock. Fool me thrice (is that a word?) ... you should know that I WILL use it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sounds good, and it sounds like something I would say. But the fact is I'm too quick to give out a free pass.

      Delete
  9. On man, I just knew it ! When you mentioned the forty bucks leaving your hands, I knew it was forever. There are predators all around us who prey on our honest and trusting nature. We give too readily and easily, then get screwed in the end. I've been a suckered more times than I can count.

    Let me know when you found a cure for this ...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Stud marched down today (four days later) and got the money from her very surprised dad.

      Delete
    2. Good for Stud ! That's an admirable characteristic - guts.

      Delete
    3. He kept telling me that he would "handle" it. But his idea of handling something is entirely different than mine. Too kind and diplomatic. }; (

      Delete
  10. Time and time again one sees where there is someone, usually a family member, that enabling such behaviors, by funding or support or providing food and shelter while requiring nothing in return. It's really hard to say who has the bigger problem, everyone is living in denial. I'm guessing her free neighborly loan service has closed it's doors for good. Once is a loan, more often is supporting a habit of some kind. Sadly, being nice guys comes back to bite us in the butt now and then, and isn't it lovely how suddenly you find yourself in the middle, or even on the defense. Life is surely strange! Glad Stud got the $ back, good for him!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We used to be enablers, and in the two years we've been gone, everyone has gotten along fine without our personal financing.

      Just goes to show that people won't do more than they have to.

      Delete
  11. A different angle, 'cause I "been there, done that", (and in a way it's a compliment).
    She thinks you're rich, and you won't miss the money.
    And, in a way, she's right.
    You are happy. You're man is happy. For heaven's sake, your dog has gone from living his entire life caged to having you wait on him hand and foot.
    To her you look rich. You'll never miss the money. She may, at the time she borrows it, even believe she'll repay you.
    And then something else comes along and she conveniently forgets about it 'cause you'll never miss it anyway.
    You're rich.

    And you know what's odd?
    We sorta are rich, really.
    But that doesn't justify being codependent.
    So I stopped.
    Glad you did too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. BUT if we went home, and were paying ransom money so Stud could see his grandkids, I think we'd bottom out quickly where finances are concerned.

      We did without. Scrimped and saved, and sold my home in order to move. So, the bank of Stud and I didn't go as far as it would have, if we hadn't supplied mortgage payments, ACs, carpet and tires for the pan handlers.

      We're not rich, but we knew how to manage money until the government pan handled the rest of it.

      I think we're basically too nice and we show it. But I refuse to walk around like I've got briars in my britches. I just grew a backbone is all.

      Delete
  12. We have never been ones to lend money (part of my wife's upbringing - don't lend and don't borrow), but have often bent over backwards to help others in their time of need. We have reined this in now, having discovered that these people were nowhere to be seen in OUR time of need...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When Stud's kids were in their 40's and milking us dry, I said "What were WE doing in our 40's?"

      The answer was: Raising kids and doing without.

      So where "doing without" is concerned, it seems it was expected for US to do without, but not others..

      Delete
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    My webpage - Loans for Bad Credit

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Let me gather up all the information you requested and I'll get right back to you.

      Delete
  14. I am the relative who rarely vacations, usually has the older car, changes my own oil, and this is true so that everyone else can borrow from ME. Of course, money lend to relatives is a de facto gift. My husband and I closed the "Bank of Jane" about three years ago, and we lost all our remaining relatives in the process. (How dare we redefine the rules of our relationship at such late a date, and during a recession !)
    Now that I have finally learned to set limits, I learned that my daughter is having the same problem. Looks like the "Bank of Stephanie" needs to go belly up also !
    Just remember, it's not helping them, it's ENABLING them.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When we closed the BANK OF STUD, Stud was denied seeing his grandchildren.

      So we moved. We never asked for anything when WE were growing up, and we did without instead. But no one else seems to consider that as an option.

      ENABLING is another form of being a BAD parent, and bad to oneself.

      Delete
  15. Well... I say... its better to be nice and generous if you are in the position to be. If that makes you suckers, fine... better that than anything else.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We're not in the "position" to be generous, but we'll do without to enable someone else to have, instead of have-not.

      This is now STOPPED forever.

      Delete
  16. Tough love isn't always easy, but it does have its merits. Thanks for passing on your lessons learned.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We couldn't do the tough love at home. And now we find ourselves loaning to this one person in particular where there's NO love connection at all. That's why I called us patsies and easy marks.

      But it won't happen again. Never.

      Delete
  17. I learned not to support adult children by watching my Mom. She supported my brother until the day she died. He kept making poor choices and ended up needing money although he had been given an excellent education (which my parents paid for) and having many very good jobs. The month she died my Mom sent him her entire SS check. She had not been doing him any favor. After her death his whole life fell apart because of his choices. At the age of 38 he lost his job, wife, kids, house and ended up in jail. He had not learned to take of himself. Parents main job is to raise their children to be self-supporting adults. Love your blog Leta

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You made some very good comments, but I don't answer anonymous ones, and I'm LOTTA, not LETA.

      Delete
    2. Leta, I could have written your post myself ! Maybe you are a long lost sister ! LOL

      Delete
    3. I am actually named Leta, just didn't know how to post any other way except anonymous. Jane I always wanted a sister. 8~)

      Delete
  18. I asked my dad for financial help when I was about 19 or 20. He asked me how much I was making and what my bills were. When I got to $40.00 a month for car insurance he told me to stop paying that because I didn't need it and to consider the $40.00 a month from him. I hated him for years for that, and I thought he was a heartless s.o.b., but you know what? I survived and it made me stronger. It taught me how to get through tough times and see that there is always an end to them. I never asked him for money again for a good 15 years or so, and even then it was hard, really hard, and he knew I wouldn't ask if I didn't really need it.

    Now that I have kids that are getting older and going to be leaving the house - this is one of my worst fears....being tough when I need to be. I don't know if I could say no to them the way my dad did, but it was probably the right thing to do. And ya know, having ten of those little buggers I'm bound to have or two who take their time growing up. Sigh. It's hard to be hard - don't beat yourself up too badly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It never occurred to me to ask my parents for money. Money was never discussed, but my instincts told me they were as strapped as I was. TODAY? Grown kids don't care if their parents are strapped because they were raised to ask and receive.

      It bothers us, and always will, how we took from our savings to "buy" a grown child's love. It doesn't work. It turns to indignation when you stop.

      On the other hand, if we HADN'T helped, we'd feel guilty anyway. The moral is there's no way to avoid that long strain of built in guilt that is ingrained into parents.

      Delete
  19. You could offer maxillo-fellatio instead ! That would be scary enough for almost anyone to go away !

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I would never take the chance. They might agree! urp, slop, get the mop!

      Delete

Go ahead and say it. I can always delete it.