Thursday, August 21, 2014

THE SECRET IS WATER! WHO KNEW?


If you're old enough, you'll remember the original WAR OF THE WORLDS when extra-terrestrials invaded earth to destroy it.



They were some mean s.o.b.'s, traveled in packs, and none of our artillery scared them.


But something as innocent as a sneeze, the common cold germ,  and they crashed and burned.


Do you remember THE GREMLINS?  


So cute, but with a warning:  
Never get them wet!



This nation has a lot of troubles, not the least is racism, but not as it's represented.

Last month a young white girl was raped and killed by two black men.  

Now, you can't get two whites to agree about anything, and they do not join together well.  It's hard to get four whites in a car together - much less fifty of them in a bus.

If this had been a black girl killed by two white men, there'd not be one television left in any Walmart in the nation.

We would do well to LEARN from the past.  We should learn to tolerate each other to the point where we will ban together if even one of us has been treated unfairly.  

Instead, we wring our hands over the 'plight', or nonsense, of others, then change channels.





Uh..............no



They got 'em, but can't use 'em.  
No wonder they look....uh....scared?  

"Hey bro!  What is it we're protesting?"
"Who cares?  Let's get some free shit!"

And the answer was there all the time.

They hate to get wet.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

FOR THOSE WHO COMPLAIN BECAUSE THEY CAN'T PAY OFF THEIR UNDERWATER HOME


Times are tough for everyone, but when people bite off more than they could chew to begin with, they always blame the government when the curtain falls.  
I hear this a lot: "How dare the bank loan me money I couldn't repay." is a common complaint.

How is the bank the culprit?  

If more people lived within, or below, their means to begin with, this would not be such a problem.

So many people earn XX amount of dollars and go into debt for an XXXXXX house.  

No matter what the government does, it cannot replace your lack of common sense.



plus







will equal eventually. 


If you earn XX amount of dollars, buy an X house and pay it off.  Do not just pay the interest and allow fate to prove you outreached yourself.

Let's say you earn XX and bought an X house and lost your job.  Holy crap.  I am SO SORRY.  This is not your fault!

You can now blame the government, your boss, your lack of a work ethic, or a million things beyond your own control.

But when you earn XX and go into debt beyond your means because you believe you "deserve" it, then you "deserve" what you get.  Grow some, cowboy up and take your punches, but the blame lies with no one but yourself.

When I was just starting out, my friends already lived in swanky homes while I remained living below my means, saving my money.

When they went into debt for a flashy new car, I drove my old Corvair and saved my money.

When the time came for a new car, if I couldn't pay for it, I remained in my old Corvair.

What about my pride?  Who gives a crap!  My self-esteem had other things in mind.

Later, when I wanted a new car, and eventually a new house, I was able to pay for it with cash, every time.

I am NOT bragging.  I'm just saying that living below your means is a wise choice, and it eventually pays off : for you - not the bank.

If you're too proud to live below your means now, what's going to happen to  your pride when you can't live anywhere.


Saturday, August 16, 2014

I COULD HAVE FLOWN CHEAPER

SOUTHWEST AIRLINES
800 MILES TO INDIANA:  $460

DRIVING 300 MILES:      $1,300

Our car is 12 years old and has already abandoned us several times, hours from home.  So I was afraid to drive to Indiana and break down in the mountains of Tennessee.

So?  My dear sister and her 80 year old husband drove down to Panama City Beach, as we drove up to meet them kind of a half-way deal.

Sounds good, right?

Well....THEY made it.   We made it to within one hour of where they were, and the gas pump gave out.

Picture this:  Joe, me, and a fur-child, stranded on the highway in 94 degree sunshine FOR TWO DAMN HOURS!!!  No one stopped to help.  

Joe flagged down a State Trooper.  A black state trooper who must have family in Missouri.  He said  "Call a tow truck" and LEFT US THERE!

Luckily the GPS pulled up a few choices to call.

Luckily my cell phone was charged.  

Luckily the man who answered didn't have a tow truck, but he knew a man, who knew a man, who owned one.

ONE HOUR LATER, here comes the tow truck... that promptly took our car an additional 1 1/2 hours in the opposite direction and deposited us at a car dealership.  

When we refused to buy a new car, they reminded us that it was a Thursday, a new fuel pump might not get there. . . . . until Monday.  And the cost to pull our gas tank and put a new fuel pump in would cost $555.

"uhhhhh.....otay?"

One rental car, and three hours later, we meet up with my sister and her husband who immediately tell us to go to bed, we've got a wee touch of heatstroke...or sticker shock...or State Trooper shock.  

The next day, lo and behold............at 3pm...........Jesse James calls and says that IF he could get a gas pump, it would take 1 1/2 hours to pull the gas tank...+..1 1/2 hours to put it back together....but for the sum of  $1,000.....he just might be able to get our car ready before he leaves at 5:30.....for the weekend.

"uhhhh.....otay?"

At 3:05,.....five minutes after we hung up, his brother  -  Al Capone  -  called and said  "Praise de Lawd, de car be fixitated."

Joe drove 3 hours to return the rental, paid $1,000 to get our car from the hostage situation,  and the next morning we left my sister and her husband, and came home.

On our way home, Joe realized the gas gauge wasn't moving.  It seems that Al and Jesse didn't hook up the wire from the fuel pump to the gas gauge.

So now we have to pay someone else to re-pull the gas tank and hook up the gas gauge.

And there ya have it.

But I got to see Beverly......for a few hours.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT




For all of you who think you know me through and through, tonight I was fantasizing about one of my favorite men of all time, the best of the best, and wishing he was still around.

Although this is how I constantly feel about my brother, Robert, and my dad, Dan, Dale Sr. held a very interesting part of my heart.

Like my dad and my brother, he seemed to fit right in with the men of my family: a man's man and a woman's answered prayer.

The first time I ever heard this song was long before Dale Sr. was a stone cold legend, but in my mind's eye, every time I heard this song, I saw Dale pulling out of pit row.

Seeing Dale in your rear view mirror was every driver's worse nightmare.  Seeing him in MY rear view mirror...meant he was in the back seat....but I digress.

I LOVE a man who knows when to use his muscle, when to put the pedal to the medal, take no prisoners, and thrust.........and thrust.........and............omg.  

Now I'm all tingly.

Fetch my fan, child.  I'm having a hot flash.

Monday, August 4, 2014

SHE MADE THE JEWELRY, BUT THE BOOBS ARE MINE


Yeah.  I thought that title might get some men to my post.  And really, men SHOULD see this post.

Joe got all "chuffed" (an English phrase that Clockwork uses a lot) and excited when I showed him what the mailman gave me today. 

It's a damn shame we don't have milkmen any more, but those mailmen are pretty impressive.

but I digress



Here's the boobage I promised:


And men, I promise that if you give your significant other (wife, girlfriend, Shady Rose the hooker) a necklace like this, you'll be gifted with boobage too.


Ladies, (and everyone else) look at this necklace!

 I DESIGNED IT!! 




I couldn't find exactly what I was looking for at this site, so I placed my particular requests with Clockwork Jewel herself. 




We emailed back and forth until she was 100% sure she could make me happy.  She knows I'm very particular regarding who and what I allow around my gang-busters.

For instance:

I liked this necklace, but instead of a key, it had a jewel hanging down.  

Now, that didn't make sense to me, and when I suggested a "key" instead, she sent me four photos of different keys!  I chose correctly, and there it is.

I love the camaraderie and I was actually part of the process!



And here's something you normally wouldn't think matters, but to Clockwork, it does.  After you fasten your necklace, you have these cutie patooties hanging from the clasp in back.  

So, coming or going, I look good.  (shut up coffeypot, Joe's already said it.)


FROG EARRINGS!!!!


FAIRY earrings!! 
(with their own boobage)

I have never owned a charm bracelet before, because they're always catching on something and usually look like cheap crap.

But this bracelet is smooth on my skin, 

has nothing that will snag on fabric and is so well crafted it can't be mistaken for....uh....what I said earlier. And I love the clasp.

Okay then.  

Please check this wonderful lady's sites.  There's an emotional bonus when you get that special personalization 





Saturday, August 2, 2014

DOES THIS TASTE OKAY?

Do you remember the large paintings that were so popular in the 90's where you were supposed to stare at them until you saw the hidden message, or the boat on the river?  Kind of an optical illusion that complete strangers would group together to stare at. 

Sometimes a person would say  "I SEE IT!" and point.  The rest of us would try even harder with suggestions to 'squint' or 'let your eyes go out of focus'.

I never, ever, saw whatever it was I was supposed to see.  Of course I wondered if there really was something inside the lines and colors, but I never detected it.


Are these moving?









If you said "yes", you're probably feeling really yucky right now and, for that I apologize.

Look away!
.
.
.

Okay.  I hit the return key so they won't be in your line of vision.  I'm nice like that.

But this mass hysteria, or the abnormal urge to answer the question:  "Does this taste okay?"  was brought to the forefront twice today.

First thing this morning I asked Joe  "Does this smell rotten to you?"  And as I held the milk carton out, he dutifully stepped up and sniffed.

Later, as I was slicing two hundred pounds of mushrooms to make soup (what kind?  Mushroom.)  Joe came into the kitchen and asked if there were differences between the tastes of the varieties I was slicing.

"Yes."  I answered, as I bit into a raw portobello.  "These have a smoother texture even when raw." 

"and these...."  I continued, as I reached for a White Button mushroom "are tougher and have less flavor until they're cooked."

I bit into the one I had just picked up and retched, then ran to the sink where I spit it out.  I don't know what was on it, but it wasn't meant for human consumption.

"That's TERRIBLE!" I said as I proceeded to wipe my tongue on the kitchen rug.

For some reason, Joe dutifully picked it up from the countertop and bit into it.................

Well, it just goes to show you.............

Show what?  

I dunno.  

Thursday, July 31, 2014

I TELL YA, IT'S A CONSPIRACY !

Yeah.  It's mah birthday, and already I have detected a plot underfoot.

First, I get greeted by Joe with a  "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", followed by cards from him and Beau.  

According to Hallmark, Beau thinks I'm a hero, and Joe thinks I'm a hot love muffin he wished he'd met 20 years sooner so we could "celebrate" in style.  

HIS style.  Which is... 

not this.

Then I get this from Clockwork Jewel and realize Joe's been talking to her.


I love getting books for my birthday.  
But the Kama Sutra?  
"You want me to throw a leg over your neck, while you brace yourself against the headboard, then on the count of three ........ ?"

Hey, it's MY birthday.  Not his.

Clockwork Jewel  makes beautiful jewelry and she made a special bracelet and earrings for me with frogs, leaves, and a perfect closure that is easy to fit on and off.  Plus earrings.




One box from my internet daughter 
NIKKI  was very heavy and I couldn't wait to see what it was.....
Yes.  That would be ROCKS.

And lots of goodies to get my card making juices flowing again.
 
Knowing I love wearing baseball caps, she threw in one in my favorite color, (that would be tan or gray) and it has the American Sign Language symbol for love on the front.



 Completely "Beau" approved.


 My sister, and my Whisper Mist tossed in two lovely bouquets.


As well as one from Joy.


Then Joe decided he'd better feed me and get me re-hydrated after this morning, so we dined at the Plantation Resort in Crystal River.

So I guess tonight will be a repeat of the same ol' thing wrapped up in a new bow.
I'm sixty-five and he's tryin' to kill me.